god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
