dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
