dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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