I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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