I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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