What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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