My hair reeks of homosexuality.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
