$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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