Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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