I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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