Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
