I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
