oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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