booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
