I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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