Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
