from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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