I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
