you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
