how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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