Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
