Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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