i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
