I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
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