I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
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