There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
