Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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