I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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