Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
