so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
