Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
