when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
