No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
