dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
