yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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