i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
