When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
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I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
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I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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