i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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