well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
