Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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