Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
