I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
