Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
