We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
