Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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