Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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