Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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