last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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