I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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