Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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