if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
