I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Randomize
