So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
