your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
