i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
