dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
