I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
