Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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