From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
